I Must Be Out Of My Mind
by Illogical1
Summary: Steve and Bucky get drunk on Asgardian mead and shenanigans ensue. Tony is less than thrilled. (Ignoring Civil War.)


**AN: This is the result of the iPod shuffle challenge and boredom. I have no regrets.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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Out of My Mind

"I must be out of my mind." Tony declared as he surveyed the scene before him. What sat before him were two very drunk super soldiers and a regretfully sober Asgardian prince. Said super soldiers were pointing finger guns at each other and loudly arguing about which of them was dead and which of them had 'successfy evaden the laser bean' and for some insane reason, Bucky was sporting pig tails and had a feather in his hair.

"Ah, friend Tony," Thor cried all too happily, "I would gladly stay and watch this glorious battle play out, however I am late to meet with my Jane. I entrust these two _warriors_ into your care." Before Tony could blink, Thor was out the window and half way across the country. When he turned back to where human icy pops had been, they too were gone.

Tony groaned. It was not his job to babysit the old people. If things like this kept happening, he was seriously going to put them in a retirement home. Tony groaned again for good measure and decided that a quick stop in the bathroom was more important than two way ward old men. Besides they could handle three minutes alone right?

Wrong.

He hadn't even made it to the hallway before Bucky came crashing down from the air ducks shrieking in Russian. Tony wasn't sure if he meant to or not, but Bucky had successfully tackled him in to the ground. Tony no longer needed to go to the bathroom. Ew.

"Bucky," he said with more patience than he felt capable of, "get off."

"Nyet."

Tony rolled his eyes and responded with the only Russian he knew. "Da."

"Nyet."

"Da."

"Nyet!"

"DA!" Tony accentuated it with a forceful shove that mercifully got Bucky off of him, whether that was because he was too drunk to stay put or because he actually wanted off remained a mystery. Tony was just about to get up and clean himself off when Steve went barreling into Bucky screaming. The two best friends rolled around on the floor, each trying to get the upper hand before they both collapsed in a heap half on top of the other. Tony hadn't even been there five minutes and he was 100% done.

"Alright Snow Cones!" Tony declared with his hands on his hips. "That's it. I don't care how drunk you are. You are going to bed and you're going to sleep. And in the morning, you had better not come crying to me about hangovers!"

Steve and Bucky only laughed. Tony rolled his eyes and bent over to drag them up. Luckily they went along with him, if they didn't want to go, there was no way Tony could make them.

Getting the drunken super soldiers to bed was harder than Tony had imagined. Steve and Bucky were worse than toddlers. After ten minutes of trying to logically explain to inebriated brains why sleep was important, Tony was at his wit's end.

"Steve, for the love of all that is holy, go to bed!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Steve."

"Nope." Steve said, popping the 'p'.

"Bucky!" Tony turned trying to reason with the unreasonable, "Please tell him to go to bed. It's good for him!"

Bucky's eyes lit up. "Hey Stevie! I know what we should do!"

Steve's face brightened as well. "What Buck?"

"We should build a fort!"

Tony facepalmed.

Even drunk, Steve and Bucky were masters at fort building. Bucky efficiently stripped blankets and pillows off of their beds and raided the hall closet while Steve strategically repositioned the furniture for maximum fort coverage. Tony couldn't help but watch in awe as the massive blanket fort was slowly constructed in front of him.

Once their fort was built, Steve and Bucky promptly disappeared from view. Tony, going on the assumption that they were finally going to sleep, made the mistake of trying to get some shut eye himself on the only unused couch in the living room.

Not two hours later, Tony woke to the sound of barely (not barely at all) contained giggles coming from the heap of blankets.

"I thought I told you two to go to sleep."

Steve shrieked in shock and a plum smacked Tony gracelessly in the face.

"Did you seriously just throw a _plum_ at me?" Tony grumbled as he stood up.

Steve shrieked again, and again Tony was smacked by a non-too soft purple fruit.

"Stevie! Plums are _sacred!_ You can't waste them on _Tony!_ " Bucky cried.

"Gee thanks, Elsa. I'm glad I mean so much to you." Tony took another step closer to the fort.

"DIE MISCRIENT!" Another two plums hit Tony. Man, he was going to be bruised in the morning.

"MY PRECIOUSES!" And just like that, the two soldiers were at it again. Tony huffed. That was it.

"That's it. I'm done. Jarvis, call anybody but me if they need medical attention. Keep them locked on this floor until their sober. I'm going to my lab." With that, Tony turned and strutted out of the room.

X-X-X

Steve awoke to the sun shining brightly in his eyes, a pounding headache and Bucky's foot in his face. Steve recoiled and shoved the offending appendage off of him and sat up. The living room was a wreck. It looked like someone's blanket fort had collapsed. Blankets and pillows were scattered around the room, couches had been moved and a few were over turned, and for some odd reason, there were squished plums everywhere and Bucky was cradling three non-squished plums protectively to his chest. What happened last night?

"Good morning Captain. I trust you are feeling better." Steve jumped at the disembodied voice but soon recovered.

"Hey, Jarvis. What happened?" Steve asked while rubbing his forehead.

"Sir asked for the pleasure to inform you of that himself." Jarvis replied.

Steve shuddered. That didn't sound good. "Where is he then?"

"I informed Sir of your wakefulness the moment you regained consciousness, as per his instructions. He is currently in the elevator between floors 51 and 52." Jarvis responded all too happily.

"Oh wonderful." Steve huffed before poking at Bucky. "Rise and shine, Buck. Stark Jr is on his way to gloat about something."

"hhhmmmfff." Was Bucky's profound answer.

"Buck, wake up."

Bucky cracked an eye open and glared at Steve and said, "Whatever you've gotten yourself into this time, punk, I want no part in it."

"Too late Snow Queen!" Tony giddily declared as he entered the room. "Thanks for the greatest blackmail material of all time!" Instead of responding to Steve and Bucky's confused looks, Tony said, "Jarvis, play the footage from last night."

The super soldiers watched the events of the previous night in silent horror. At the end of it, Steve was redder than a tomato and Bucky refused to make eye-contact.

"If I ever have to babysit drunk Snow Cones again, the press is getting this footage. Got it?" Tony asked seriously.

Bucky and Steve nodded in unison.

"Great!" Tony said. "Coffee is on the counter and I am going to bed." And with that, Tony strutted out of the room.

And that is the reason why both Steve and Bucky have refused to drink ever again.

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 **Thank you for reading! I know I haven't written much lately, but that's college life for you! I'm going to try to write some more over Christmas Break. Please leave a comment and have a great rest of your day/night/whenever your reading this!**


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